


I Must Confess

by boxroepe



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Dissociation, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, This is mostly a Character study, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, ftm Connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxroepe/pseuds/boxroepe
Summary: There's no way to know what everyone around you is thinking. There's no way to get inside their heads and pick their thoughts apart.But what would that change, anyway?Sometimes, you don't have to be a mind reader to know what someone thinks of you.





	1. I Feel Like A Monster

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is gonna get heavy. please know your triggers, and stay safe. <3
> 
> this chapter is pretty light, i think. there's one (1) mention of drugs and some swearing but other than that, it's fairly clean.
> 
> this one is also pretty short. honestly, it's just an introduction to the situation?

 

 

Connor walked downstairs that morning already feeling like he was going to have a rough day.

 

" _Christ_ , Connor, you look like a walking corpse. What have you been smoking,  _crack_?"

 

Of course.

 

"Zoe," Their mother says, a warning in her tone but dampened with exhaustion; it comes out as more of a sigh than anything.

 

Connor scowls, taking a seat at the table, and doesn't respond.

 

"Mom, c'mon, don't tell me he doesn't look like--"

 

"Zoe," She says again, sharper this time. " _Please_ don't start anything today." She glances at Connor, briefly, and he sets his jaw, staring down into the empty bowl his mom put out for him.

 

There's a box of cereal in the centre of the table, but it's closer to Larry than it is to Connor. He has to stand up to reach for it. (Technically, he supposes, he could just ask Larry to pass it to him, but he'd rather have teeth pulled than say a single word to him right now.)

 

So he gets up, and he leans across the table.

 

And knocks over a glass of orange juice.

 

" _Shit_ ," He hisses.

 

" _Language_ ," His mother says, getting up to grab a dish towel, at the same time Larry says, " _Dammit_ , Connor!"

 

It shouldn't surprise him, honestly, when shit like this happens. _Just his fucking luck_.

 

His mom hands him the towel and he starts mopping up the spilled juice, scowling as he realised that his fingers would be gross and sticky afterwards.

 

"Can't you go  _one day_ without screwing something up?" Zoe says, clearly annoyed, as though she has any right to be.

 

"Shut it," He says, teeth clenched, and Zoe rolls her eyes.

 

Connor finishes cleaning up the mess, and then decides,  _fuck_ breakfast. He doesn't bother pushing in his chair when he gets up, throws the dish towel into the sink (it lands with a strangely satisfying wet  _plop_ , and he takes pride in the way Zoe flinches at the sound. She deserved, at the very least, a little scare if she was gonna be a bitch.)

 

"Connor, sweetheart, you really shouldn't leave witho--"

 

"Let it go, Cynthia. He's not even listening."

 

As Connor is walking to the door, he hears his mom say, "Larry, you don't even  _try_ , and you wonder why the two of you never get along!"

 

He walks faster. He hears someone get up from the table, and then Zoe says something about going to a friend's house, and then he doesn't hear any more because he's out the door and pulling a pack of gum out of his pocket. Zoe comes out a few minutes later and looks at him, briefly. She's stopped walking and clearly doesn't know what to do.

 

 _She isn't going to a friend's house_. Connor almost fucking laughs; Zoe, the perfect little angel, lied to their parents.

 

But he doesn't laugh. Because he understands why she lied, and he doesn't blame her.

 

He's sick of it too.


	2. X Amount of Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's not smoking. She isn't sure why he isn't, but he isn't, and she's almost glad. Almost hopeful.
> 
> Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter seems kinda all over the place honestly but i imagine that that's just kinda how things are when you're with connor. as someone with severe bpd i can safely say that swings can come from out of nowhere and can have you doing a complete 180 in seconds, especially if you're not taking medication for it.
> 
> this chapter contains:  
> \- mentions of past manic episodes  
> \- mentions of past violence/threats  
> \- manic episodes  
> \- paranoia  
> \- severe mood swings  
> \- an extremely heavy amount of swearing  
> \- mentions of recreational drug use

 

 

Zoe doesn't really know what to do.

 

She'd put her dishes in the sink, mumbled that she was going to go hang out with a friend because it was the first excuse that came to mind, and then she'd rushed out the door before her parents even realised she'd spoken.

 

And when she got outside, she just stood there, not sure what she was supposed to do.

 

She wasn't going anywhere, certainly not to a friend's house. She didn't have plans. Besides, Connor probably took the car and went off to get stoned somewhere.

 

 _It doesn't matter_ , she thinks,  _I'm not in there to listen to them argue._ She would figure it out.

 

She looked over, and, to her surprise, Connor was there, sitting on the front stoop, pulling out a piece of gum.

 

She blinked. Connor looked back at her, expressionless, and she felt her brow furrow, because. Well.

 

He's not smoking. She isn't sure _why_ he isn't, but he isn't, and for a second, she's... almost glad. Almost hopeful.

 

 _Almost_. But one instance of choosing to chew gum instead of getting high or smoking cigarettes doesn't change anything, she reminds herself.

 

He doesn't say anything, doesn't get snarky or snappy because she's just  _looking at him_ , staring like a dumbass and having an internal conflict, just because he's holding a pack of gum.

 

He arches a brow. (Which, _god_ , reminds her of how jealous she is of his _perfect fucking eyebrows_. When they were younger, when they would sit and watch their mom do her makeup like it was the most interesting thing in the world, their mom had remarked that he would probably never need to get them waxed or filled in in his life. Zoe had been envious, not just of his eyebrows, but of the fact that, as per usual, he was the one getting their mother's praise, over something so minuscule and stupid as _having_ _nice eyebrows._ )

 

There's a pause, and she expects that he's gonna say something about her staring  _now_ , but he doesn't. He holds up the pack of gum.

 

"Want some?"

 

"Uh," She bites her lip. "Sure."

 

He hands her one.

 

"Thanks?" She doesn't mean for it to come out as a question, but Zoe can't help but be. A little thrown by this.

 

"Don't mention it," Connor says. "Like, seriously, don't. This is a one-time thing, to congratulate you. I'm not just suddenly gonna turn into a nice fucking person."

 

"Didn't expect you to be," She says, coolly, even though she knows in the back of her head that it's a little harsh, since he's trying to extend a metaphorical olive branch. Trying to work out some kind of temporary truce.

 

She cocks her head a bit. "Congratulate me on what?"

 

"Baby's first lie," He says, and he has this stoic, serious expression on his face, though she can tell he's biting back amusement, because apparently Zoe telling a lie is _funny_ to him. "Congrats, you're no longer a perfect little angel who can do no wrong."

 

Zoe rolls her eyes and snorts. "I'm not a  _perfect little angel_ , I could make trouble just as well as you can if I wanted. I just _choose_ not to." Without really thinking about it, she adds, "Because I don't want to be the one who gets high all the time and threatens to kill people."

 

Connor's face darkens ever so slightly, eyes narrowing, and Zoe starts to regret saying it.

 

He blows a gum bubble, and when it pops, she sees that he's back to being a blank slate. It honestly kind of pisses her off that he can just fucking _do_ that, act like he doesn't care about anything, like nothing phases him.

 

 _Probably because he isn't acting_ , a bitter part of her thinks, but she doesn't fucking _need_ that thought right now, because she's sitting out here with him to  _get away from an argument_ , not to start up some shit and have him storm off to god knows where to get high or whatever it is he does and make their mom cry and their dad angry and cause even _more_ fucking trouble.

 

Connor cuts through her internal monologue, voice monotonous and empty of emotion, to match the look on his face.

 

"You're still mad about that." It's a statement, not a question.

 

Zoe scowls, because as much as she doesn't want to get into another fight, she's getting irritated. "You almost punched a fucking _hole_ in my bedroom door, and you were  _screaming_ the whole time, literally screaming. ' _I'll fucking kill you, Zoe, I'll wring your fucking neck._ ' Why the _hell_ would I _not_ still be mad about it?"

 

"I know what I said," he says, blowing another bubble, still the picture of calm and collected, which was not doing anything to alleviate Zoe's irritation. "I was there."

 

But the nonchalance doesn't extend to his eyes, because she looks at his face and she sees sadness. Regret. He must know what she's looking at because he focuses his gaze at a point somewhere off in front of him, swallowing. She doesn't know what to make of that.

 

He feels  _bad_. He feels bad for what he did.

 

(Part of her, the part that was so hopeful earlier because of the stupid gum, wants to talk to him about it. Wants to apologise for bringing it up, and hope that he apologises in return because even though it wouldn't fix what happened at least she would know that he  _cared_.

 

She doesn't say anything. Neither does he.)

 

They just chew their gum in silence. It's awkward, so much so that Zoe feels stifled. But she doesn't interrupt it.

 

She just doesn't want to talk anymore. She won't be able to deal with that, not now, not after seeing him like. Like.

 

Seeing him like  _what_?

 

 _Like a person_ , she realises. _Like someone with feelings._

 

Zoe risks a glance at him, and he's just slouched over now, sort of folded up so that he looks even lankier than usual, staring off into the distance blankly. He looks hollow. Moreover, he almost looks... hopeless.

 

She looks away quickly, feeling like she had seen something she wasn't supposed to see.

 

Sadness doesn't look right on his face.

 

 

 

 

They stay like that for a while, just chewing gum and sitting outside their front door, until Connor sighs heavily and stands. It's sudden enough that Zoe jumps at the movement, but he doesn't seem to notice.

 

"This sucks," He declares. "I'm gonna get my keys."

 

Zoe frowns. "Where are you going?"

 

He gives her a look she's unable to read, seeming to hesitate, and the uncertainty is written on his face in the press of his lips.

 

"We."

 

She blinks. "'We'?"

 

"Where are  _we_ going." He purses his lips further. "You probably don't want to."

 

Zoe says, "I--"

 

But Connor doesn't seem to register that she was about to speak.

 

"Can't say I blame you. I'm the one who started all the arguing in the first place and now I'm trying to fucking run off and drag you with me, so both of us get in trouble."

 

"I didn't say that," Zoe begins, but she knows it's no use, because she knows what's happening. She's seen him get like this so many times before that it's almost normal.

 

"Fuck, you don't even give a shit about me, why am I trying to get all buddy-buddy with you? Whatever. Fuck," He says, and he has this weird look on his face. "God, I even fuckin' said that I wasn't gonna be nice to you. You're just gonna snap at me, right? Just gonna tell me I'm a lunatic?"

 

"Connor--"

 

His voice is getting a little louder, and she can hear the hysteria creeping in, and _she_ _knows what's happening_. He's dangerous when he's like this. He's too unpredictable.

 

She wants to tell him -- _beg_ him -- to calm down, because he's starting to scare her, and on top of that, she's nervous that their parents would hear and the situation would get even more out of hand.

 

But he won't let her get a fucking word in.

 

"You're gonna tell me I'm fucking psycho if I think you wanna be around me? You think I'm fucking  _crazy_ , I'm just the crazy asshole you live with! You don't fucking, you don't  _fucking get_   _it_ , because 'this asshole is trying to get me to spend time with him, he can't even make up his mind whether to act like a goddamn freak', yeah?You think I've lost it because I can't even be  _consistent_. You all fucking hate me, why can't I just take a hint, huh? Why can't I get a clue? You think I'm insane! Ha!"

 

She can't fucking take it anymore. "Connor, shut  _up_! You're acting all fucking paranoid and I didn't even say a damn word!"

 

His chest is heaving. Distantly, Zoe thinks that he shouldn't be wearing his binder if he's being all manic and freaking out like this, but the thought is overshadowed by the way Connor is looking at her, that regretful look in his eyes. But then his gaze hardens and he grimaces.

 

"I don't have to hear what you say. I don't need to read your fucking mind." He runs a hand over his face. "Whatever."

 

And he walks away, hands shaking, letting his hair fall into his face. He doesn't get into the car, as Zoe expects. He just keeps walking.

 

In a burst of sudden anger, Zoe yells, "Fine, go! But when mom and dad get pissed off, it's  _all_ on you! 

 

And just like that it's gone, and _he's_ gone. Zoe can forget about chewing gum with Connor on the front stoop. She can forget the vulnerable look that had flickered across his face for the briefest of moments. She can forget that he wanted to go somewhere and he wanted her to go too.

 

But she can't forget that no matter how put-together Connor can act sometimes, he's still her brother.

 

He's still a monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt proofread this and its bad and im probably going to delete this whole thing and restart but i dont know adfhlasfd


End file.
